Creative Writing

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-Something, Something, DnD!

Post  KnifeytheWanderer on Thu Jun 11, 2015 7:55 pm

So, at our DM's behest, I am migrating my current Steam profile description to the forum! To those not in the know, or haven't got me added on Steam, I like to occasionally update my profile with some amusing musings (Razz ) on DnD (with a focus on our games in particular).

I suppose, when I update my Steam profile, I'll update this post (or add another) to the forum.

Also, yes, I thought it would be nice to post this alongside the story below. Think of it as something fun to read when you're done with that. Cool

Anyway, without further ado, my list of strange facts and happenings in DnD, to be updated whenever I feel like it. (And yes, I do make copious fun of all of us - with plenty of emphasis on myself, I might add xD. It's all in good humour, I assure you. Very Happy ).

*You can't crit a curtain.
*Putting coffee beans and poison on the same shopping list makes people uncomfortable.
*There is no such thing as 'epic curtain music'.
*You do not need to roll to poke a curtain.
*Sometimes a shield rack is just a shield rack.
*Grapple everything.
*Curtains are best killed via tug-o-war.
*Psionics; who even knows what that is.
*Order drinks for the party; half the party doesn't drink.
*What are Xephs? Who the hell knows.
*Extendable poles.
*6ft hair does not a rope make.
*Don't complain when receiving a nice piece of cudgel.
*Tipping someone who's just jailed you does not make them like you. It just makes them uncomfortable.
*Are we still shopping?
*Insulting a religious zealot with a flamer when you also have a flamer is, if not wise, at least sane. Insulting a religious zealot with a flamer when all you have is a Fisher Price Baby's First Pistol, not so much.
*Intimidating the wall is useless.
*Intimidating the roof is useless.
*Intimidating inanimate objects is useless.
*Intimidating animated objects is also useless.
*Intimidating a bird is hilarious. At least for the people who watch you get crapped on.
*Tentacles are never a good sign.
*If your friend has 3 Wisdom, consider purchasing a leash or beguiler.
*Your friends are not immune to fire. They would not appreciate a brimstone bath.
*Fireball does not fix everything.
*You will, however, feel much better after using it.
*The skill you drop will be the skill you need. A wise man would bet ten bucks on it.
*A wise man now has ten bucks.
*DnD was invented in 1974. The word 'veto' was invented soon after.
*Roleplayers are great.
* ^ Except the ones that can't improvise.
*If possible, consider presenting your DM with a coffee before giving him your fifty page backstory.
*If possible, make it two coffees.
*It does not matter if the crazy member of your party is right once and wrong every other time, they will only ever remember the once.
*Always grapple mediocre snowmen.
*Do not trust doors.
*Ever.
*The appropriate way to greet your friends after blowing up your house is not 'who's up for ten barrels of flaming ale!'
*Puns are never appreciated.
*Regardless they will be made at every opportunity.
*Because the person who makes the puns doesn't care.
*Many characters have amazing charisma.
*Many players do not.
*Yes, you are still shopping.
*That thing you were going to do but didn't do because you thought the NPCs would be competent enough to protect themselves?
*Do it. The NPCs are never competent enough to protect themselves.
*Except when the NPC is more competent than your entire party.
*In which case consider enlisting them to protect you.
*A weasel is just a strange looking dog.
*A bat is also just a strange looking dog.
*The mules are sacred. Do not hurt the mules.
*Yes, the DM will do horrible things to any character you no longer play.
*One is the maximum amount of references in your backstory needed to amuse your DM. Five is pushing it. What you did is just ridiculous.
*Everything is better with murlocs!
*^Except everything.
*Dropping your dice on the floor whilst rolling is normal. Dropping your dice in your tea is not.
*No, you are not allowed to enlist the elevators. Not in your group, your army, your movement, your anything.
*Do not bring the heavily-armoured, horse-riding aasimar paladin on a stealth mission. Don't.
*The embarrassing nickname will stick. The cool one will not.
*If the planet is about to be blown up, it's probably best not to spend three hours standing in a circle going 'uhhh?'
*If you do the above, however, at least have the decency not to spend the next hour shopping.
*You will spend the next hour shopping.
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The Setting of the Sun

Post  KnifeytheWanderer on Thu Jun 11, 2015 7:37 pm

(Note: This story didn't turn out quite the way I wanted it too. It's a bit shorter and a bit sloppier than intended, but I hope it's a good send-off for Japas anyway! Sorry it took so long)!

The moment the illusion sputtered Knifey knew he had failed. He had remained in the hope his will would have seen through any mystical trickery, but Japas's form had flickered and died like a candle in the wind, and now all he could do was run.

Gazadriel and Dimble were somewhere behind him, the Burrows sprawled out ahead. The sky was all deep grey and black, stars drowned amidst the clouds, torrents of rain spilling from above. Shanty structures and bleak buildings lined the roads he sped down. The streets were empty; all was silent except for the ghostly voices half-drowned in the downpour. The distant rumbling of thunder and the sharp flash of lightning set his nerves on edge, tense as a bowstring pulled taut. A cruel wind twisted its way through the streets, setting the rain to lash against his face as he finally rounded one last corner and came skidding to a halt.

The scene that met him chilled his blood in a way no rain ever could. The elements were nothing. The thundering of the skies seemed paltry compared to the thundering of his heart as he approached his companions, who encircled two figures splayed upon the ground.

The first was Sindri. His dusky skin seemed pale even in the shadows, a sick grey tone to his features. Blood stained the ground around him, turning the pooling puddles to foul black. He looked wounded and weary, shivering with fever. Yet he had the strength to repeat, over and over, 'I told you I told you I told you!' as if his life depended upon it. Crouched by him was John, good Ivelliohn, inspecting his injuries. Near them stood Ri, her hood pulled forward, shadowing her face. The rain slid off it like tears down cheeks, but she was not the sort to weep. By her was Erak, his stony face set, staring forward. His brows were furrowed above his eyes, pained.

Knifey moved past them to the other three; Tharry, Tosscobble, and Skagaros. The wizard knelt, headless of his robes trailing in the fouled water. The halfling stood with his head bowed and arms crossed before his chest. The orc too bowed his head, hand resting upon the figure's chest. The corpse's chest.

"Japas." It was no more than a whisper.

His old companion lay within the dark trappings of his cloak, cloth crumpled beneath him. Blood had ceased to trickle and spurt from the gaping wound in his neck, but the evidence of it lay pooled around him. His eyes were empty, blank in a way no living thing could mimic. Knifey stood for a long moment simply staring down at the man, so still and cold.

He had suspected, as had all his friends. Little pieces of evidence, strange events that led to the first suspicions. When they had first used magic to ensure Japas's goodness, Knifey had felt relief tempered with caution.

But when the others had spoken of the cleric's betrayal, with the medallion as evidence, he had felt his heart grow heavy as the proof against his once-friend stacked. All had come into conflict then, contradictions leading to confusion and uncertainty. They had kept Japas under watch, under the eyes of some of the party's strongest willed...

And still failed.

Now his corpse lay on the ground, cold and growing colder. So much disaster, so much chaos, and the only one who could answer, who could explain, lay dead before him.

'My friend. My once-friend. Why?'

"Did anyone ask why?"

The question hung. It was suffocating. Trapped in their small bubble, in a cocoon of rain and biting wind. It grew uncomfortable, like insects crawling beneath the skin, like bile at the back of one's throat, like a creature twisting in one's gut, trying to claw its way out.

He looked to his friends, to all of them. He even turned back to Gazadriel and Dimble as they arrived, skidding in the wet. But only one answered.

Sindri, of course. He rambled on. He didn't care, didn't need to ask why. He hadn't known Japas, couldn't understand why it was important. He'd wandered off, alone, always endangering himself. He'd run into the murderer, they'd fought, and he'd won.

"And I was right, always right, like I said!" He exclaimed, still delirious from his near-death.

But he'd lost them the answers they sought, the explanation. He'd lost them reasons. Why attack Fareach, why kill so many innocents, why work with the necromancer, the lich? Why had Japas of all people chosen to do this?

He refrained from answering Sindri. The tiefling was more than half-mad, and there was little either Knifey nor the man himself could do about it. He didn't hate him for it.

'But...'

No. There was little point engaging Sindri. His companions would understand his silence. His companions would understand his question, where Sindri couldn't. But none of them could answer it.

The storm thundered on, icy wind and lashing rain. Knifey ignored it. The weather didn't bother him, nor did the cold. At least, not the cold in the air.

He placed his hand on Japas's chest, felt the chill through his damp clothes. They'd been friends for nigh on a year. He thought he'd known the man. Kind, empathic, strong-willed with a desire for justice. He healed the hurt and protected the weak, travelled for that purpose.

'Was it a lie, Japas? Or is there more here, more to these events than we can see?'

He bowed his head. There were no tears to be shed, only a deep ache in his heart. He could feel no throbbing in his bones nor his back, no pain from his run through the rain. But the ache in his chest was undeniable.

He steeled himself, reached into the neck of Japas's robes. He had no doubt his companions had already checked his body, recovered what was useful. But this, this was important to Knifey.

He found what he sought. An arrow, gold as the sun. Key to their home, now burnt to ash and charred rubble, but more importantly the symbol of their friendship. He removed it from Japas's neck, squeezed it in his hand, then pocketed it.

'I'll found out what happened to you, Japas. Let us see if you were friend corrupted into foe, or foe masquerading as friend.' He rose, let Skagaros close Japas's eyes and lift the body from the ground. 'For the sake of our friendship, for the man I thought I knew, I'll do that much. I'll find the truth.'

Sindri was still rambling, the rest of the group silent. Skagaros held the cleric's body in his arms, with a surprising amount of respect considering the orc did not know the man very well.

'He did not know him, but knows, to us, he was something different then this monster he became...'


A hand fell on his shoulder, stayed there. Knifey didn't need to look to know it was John. Still he did anyway, and saw what he expected. The ranger's face, stern as ever, with pain hidden deep in his eyes. They were similar, in that regard. The pain did not show, not clearly.

But it was there. Knifey could still feel it, deep and dark within him. What the weather failed to do, that pain did for him. It confirmed the cold night to come. Confirmed the irreversible setting of the sun.

'But in time, I shall find the light again,'
he swore, and slipt his hand into his pocket, to clutch the arrow key within. 'For if the setting is irreversible, then the dawning is undeniable.'


Last edited by KnifeytheWanderer on Thu Jun 11, 2015 7:56 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Word Clouds: Act 1

Post  Tharivol Liadon on Fri May 09, 2014 2:20 pm

Session One - A Contract at Fareach



Session Two - Owlbears and Thief-Takers



Session Three - Netheril Mysteries



Session Four - The Last City



Session Five - Infiltration



Session Six - In Deep Water



Session Seven - Old Friends and New



Session Eight - Creatures of the Forest



Session Nine - Goblins



Session Ten - Adventure Unfolds



Session Eleven - The Demon-Slayer



Session Twelve - A Shady Offer



Session Thirteen - A Battle at Fareach

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Inspiring Bardic Songs that Dimble Might Be Singing

Post  JohnTheRanger on Sat Mar 08, 2014 9:10 pm

These are just a couple of parody-ish songs I came up with, that I imagine Dimble (or any Bard) might sing to inspire various members of the party.

To the tune of 'Grease Lightning' from the movie 'Grease':

Go Xeph Knifey,
He's a psionically empowered guy,
Xeph Knifey! Woah, Xeph Knifey!
He's got a blade! (da da)
From his mind! (da da)
Xeph Knifey!
Da da da-da-da duh!
Go Xeph Knifey!
He's hacking up our enemies!
Hack and slashhhh, hack (oh!), hack and slashhhh
Look at him go,
He's a freaking machine!
Xeph Knifey!
Da da da-da-da duh
Go Xeph Knifey!
He's a psionically empowered guy,
Xeph Knifey! Oh, Xeph Knifey!
He's got a blade! (da da)
From his mind! (da da)
Xeph Knifey!

To the tune of 'Kung Fu Fighting' by Carl Douglas:

Knifey-Xeph is mind blade swiping
Da da da-da-da da-da dah!
That Xeph is fast as lightning!
Da da da-da-da da-da dah!
Gibblets are flying!
Da da da-da-da da-da dah!
But he keeps on slicing!
… It's a little bit frightening!

To the tune of the Spiderman theme song:
Knifey-Xeph, Knifey-Xeph,
He does not -
give an eff,
Look out!
There goes a Knifey-Xeph!

Also, a perennial favourite, to the tune of the Batman Theme song:
Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na,
Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na: Bat Half-Elf!
Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na,
Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na: Bat Half-Elf!
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The Twelve Days of D&D

Post  Tharivol Liadon on Mon Dec 09, 2013 8:03 pm

The Twelve Days of D&D
by Tharivol Liadon

On the first day of D&D, my DM gave to me:
A contract in a city!

On the second day of D&D, my DM gave to me:
Two Owlbear chicks
And a contract in a city!

On the third day of D&D, my DM gave to me:
One bronze orb
Two Owlbear chicks
And a contract in a city!

On the fourth day of D&D, my DM gave to me:
One bank account
One bronze orb
Two Owlbear chicks
And a contract in a city!

On the fifth day of D&D, my DM gave to me:
A whole goblin camp!
One bank account
One bronze orb
Two Owlbear chicks
And a contract in a city!

On the sixth day of D&D, my DM gave to me:
One halfling drowning
A whole goblin camp!
One bank account
One bronze orb
Two Owlbear chicks
And a contract in a city!

On the seventh day of D&D, my DM gave to me:
One serious singeing
One halfling drowning
A whole goblin camp!
One bank account
One bronze orb
Two Owlbear chicks
And a contract in a city!

On the eighth day of D&D, my DM gave to me:
One Fey-a-blinding
One serious singeing
One halfling drowning
A whole goblin camp!
One bank account
One bronze orb
Two Owlbear chicks
And a contract in a city!

On the ninth day of D&D, my DM gave to me:
Even worse a scorching
One Fey-a-blinding
One serious singeing
One halfling drowning
A whole goblin camp!
One bank account
One bronze orb
Two Owlbear chicks
And a contract in a city!

On the tenth day of D&D, my DM gave to me:
A black stone-enhancing
Even worse a scorching
One Fey-a-blinding
One serious singeing
One halfling drowning
A whole goblin camp!
One bank account
One bronze orb
Two Owlbear chicks
And a contract in a city!

On the eleventh day of D&D, my DM gave to me:
A very rude awakening
A black stone-enhancing
Even worse a scorching
One Fey-a-blinding
One serious singeing
One halfling drowning
A whole goblin camp!
One bank account
One bronze orb
Two Owlbear chicks
And a contract in a city!

On the twelfth day of D&D, my DM gave to me:
A somewhat shady offer
A very rude awakening
A black stone-enhancing
Even worse a scorching
One Fey-a-blinding
One serious singeing
One halfling drowning
A whole goblin camp!
One bank account
One bronze orb
Two Owlbear chicks
And a contract in a city!
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Creative Writing

Post  Genisisect on Fri Dec 06, 2013 8:06 pm

Please write any new creative pieces here.
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Re: Creative Writing

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